Heart wrenching...

Today, I went to the photo studio to collect my convocation gown, and also to sign the studio photo package.

Mama was very nice to offer to go with me, because I didn't know where the place was. It sounded like it was some weird place...

When we got there, surprisingly it was a very nice place... and we went through the process of signing the package and paying the deposit smoothly. Then, after the payment, I had to try on the gown, to ensure that the size fit. Here's my gown.

Then, something happened. Mama was talking to the person halfway, and then she suddenly started turning red in the eyes. No need to ask her why; I understood. It waas tears of mixed emotions. It's tears that only true love and true happiness can bring.

Tears because of the pain and sweat that she had put in to bring me up. (In case you didn't know, she was the one and only one who painstakingly brought me up since I was one month old).

Tears because of finally seeing me graduating, and thinking that she had not wasted all her time afterall.

Tears because in spite of her own tough life, she finally managed to see someone through to success. You see, she is a divorcee, and she single-handedly brought up two boys on her own, because the jerk of a husband did her wrong, and also didn't give her any alimony, despite getting a court order to. You can imagine, in the 80s, having to bring up two child on your own, having to work, feed, bring up, educate two very young children.

When I saw it, it was a really really heart wrenching moment, and it took all the strength in me not to start crying. All I could do was to jokingly push it aside, and ask her "what happened to you?", which resulted in her crying even harder..

I really felt the pain inside, and I pushed the tears aside till now. I am sitting in front of my laptop, tears dripping down my cheeks as I am typing this out now...

Pain because I know that she is one of the people in my life who made it such a blessing to be me; she would sacrifice everything for me and my brother. She really loved me with all her heart. Even now, whenever anyone asks her which of her 4 grandchildren she loves the most, she would adoringly say "none. The only two I really love are Xuefen (that's me), and Long Chang (that's my brother)".

Pain because she is always so proud of us. She will always say to relatives, or for that matter, anyone who would listen, "I also don't know why Xuefen study so hard. You know, she really very good one leh. ALl the thick thick books also she can read..." And I would blush. But I know it's because she is very proud of us...

Pain because I know how hard I worked so that she would be able to see me wear the graduation gown. Finally. I know how much she wanted to see us succeed. And finally, I made her wish come true. The next one is to get married, and I want my children to know, and love her too.

Pain because after working so hard to bring up her two sons, she is not getting the treatment that she deserves. All mothers want to spend as much time with their kids as possible. For one, the two kids do not give her any money at all every month, on the reasoning that they have their own family and children to take care of. And she doesn't even complain. It angers me everytime when the grandchildren do not give her the amount of respect that she deserves. I would scold them when I see any form of disrespect. I hate it!

Pain because it hurts me when she would always say "I don't want to live that long ah. It's about time for me to go already. Live for so long also no use". She is constantly having conflicts with her daughter-in-law, though I really don't know why...And I will always tell her to stop being stupid (when what I really mean is for her to live as long as possible, healthily.).. I really don't know what I would do should I lose her. It really hurts to even think and contemplate it...

Pain because I know that she will have to leave me sooner or later. I am hoping later. Later than later. Later...Later...Please, God. I know I will be devastated...it's an unimaginable pain...

She was always there to dole out lots of good advice along my growing up days, always making sure that I do not come to any harm. Whenever I complain about anywhere not feeling well, she would always fuss over me. I remember, when I was younger, I used to fall sick quite often. And whenever I have a fever, she would, together with my parents, stay up all night to take care of me...

During my Primary School days, she would be the one to ferry me to and from school whenever I have extra activities in school. Carrying my younger brother, rain or shine, she would never fail to make it there. That's why I said that I am blessed. Not only was I not made to go back on my own (even though I hated it then), I also have a loving aunt who would take all the care in the world to bring me up. For that, I am truly indebted to her for the rest of my life.

Much as I don't say it, I really love her...If anyone asks me if PURE, unadulterated love exists, I would say yes. It takes the form of the angel sent to me from above, MAMA.

Somebody please stop the tears from flowing. It feels really sour in the heart. No one understands the pain... Really sour....Damn, I need a really good concealer tomorrow..

Just realised that the photos I have taken with my dearest mama are far and few...maybe it's because I am a girl, and pale in comparison to kelvin...drats.